"a retrospective past . a victorious present . now, onward to my future!"

suddenly, it was gone . .

2012-01-12T05:29:00.000-08:00

i wondered how it felt like,

like to be with someone who's far,

far that it makes one excited,

each time he reaches out to you!

i thought that it would only be a distant dream,

but the dream became a reality,

reality that one has entered my life

and once again hoping to express myself to .

he came like an answered prayer,

a prayer that i had once uttered,

a prayer for a dream to come true,

and now here he was, knocking . .

i know what i needed to expect,

expected to make it far,

far that i never counted the days,

spending each moment like there was never tomorrow .

i understood much of him,

him who i started to care for,

now that he was mine, mine alone,

how happy was i?, how lucky was i? .

i know that to him i was the only one,

one he has, one he truly belongs to,

as far as i know, i was the only one,

he chose me, he picked me, only me . .

time flew by like changing of seasons,

seasons that marked memories together,

together like there was only him and me,

i prayed that it would always be . .

we dealt with small fights,

we dealt with stupid stuff,

we outgrew foolish fights

and knew that there's always forgiveness . .

he had priorities, he had deals,

i was patient, i understood him,

but it reached that point i knew i just couldn't,

couldn't be what he wanted me to be . .

i ended things, i stopped understanding,

i was just tired of it, it made me weak,

just don't think that i never cared,

cause i really did . .

the self sacrifices . .

2011-11-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

november 17, 2011
1 a.m
bedroom

my delimna:

i see my peers rarely often and somehow i get to watch them grow in their careers . does this mean that i'm unhappy with mine or i'm stuck with something i don't need to be where? . hmmm? . .

it took me a lot to get where i am now and it made me stronger where i'm standing, somehow there's that incomplete feeling that keeps on popping up whenever i see office tables with steaming hot coffee on it . or whether the sight of busyness around an office or conference room with different ideas streaming in and also the thought of meeting article deadlines that needs to be proof-read and published, i'm again doubting, should i really be here? . .

about a year ago during an interview for a job position, i was asked "if you weren't in this profession, what would you be today? why that career?" . honestly and plainly i answered, Magazine Creative Writer/Director/Editor . YES! . that's what my heart desired because i dreamt of late night office works, meeting deadlines, being one of the fashion icon, i would give anything for that dream . but sadly when i was asked why i didn't pursue it, i just uttered, "things change, priorities change, the people matter and the service that i could give from person contact service than of papers view information was really satisfying and heart-warming" .

i guess it's never too late to follow what i truly wanted but things changed . though i love to write about the world, express what and how i feel about everything . there's just so many ways to still be in those days back when i had the drive and enthusiasm to do so .

short stories and poems scribbled in papers, song-writing abilities fading and creative ideas just draining from me, well, it was fun while it lasted .

i have indeed faced the bitter reality of waking up everyday thinking that dreams and aspiration changes as time goes by . goals are set to realism and idealism, factors vary along the way, and happiness could/should be suppressed because priorities matters other than the self . .

the self sacrifices for the sake of others . .

who needs a ♥ when a heart can be broken!? . .

2011-10-06T03:43:00.000-07:00

it sucks when things are over,
it sucks more that you broke up with him,
it sucks even more that you think that your wrong,
wrong for breaking up with him coz of being afraid to fall further! . .

-hail Tina Turner's "what's love got to do with it"! . .

i was never gonna be good enough! . .

2011-06-08T00:02:00.000-07:00

i gave it my best, i gave it my all
still i was never good enough,
i made you my world, i made you my life
even so, i just couldn't be what you sought . .

time was what i swindled for you
still you thought i never was there,
my patience stretched so far for you,
so far that i lost myself in pleasing you . .

i tried to move mountains, i tried to swam seas,
still i never could compel your love for me.
i thought you weren't selfish, i guess i was wrong,
i still wasn't what you wanted me to be . .

knowing the true you was what i wanted,
details of your past, i was just devastated,
still i embraced you with arms wide open,
judging you not, was where i started . .

it's clear to see you gained so much,
YOU using me to keep yourself free,
i know where you stood, my intention to help
but greedy as you were, i just couldn't see .

all in all i hid the truth from my eyes that wonders,
how you of all people i tolerated to be,
to be someone just so wonderful,
and all to blame for this was ME! . .

how i lost my eternity with him . .

2010-10-11T21:00:00.001-07:00

things happened so fast, one moment i was sitting alone inside a cab, off to somewhere i couldn't remember and then, i wasn't alone anymore . .

yes, someone was next to me . i didn't know who he was but his face was familiar to me, really familiar to me . .

he held out his hand, gesturing to shake my hand . i didn't know what to do and consciously, i was staring back at him . .

"i'm ___, it's nice to finally meet you!" he said as he was still holding out his hand . .

speechless as i was, i still didn't do anything, i just stared at him . honestly, i was mesmerized by his eyes, yes his eyes . those captivating brown eyes introduced himself to me . he had supple lips parting as he smiled back . his cheek bones complemented his eyes and his skin tone was just alluring to me .

when i came to my senses, i held out my hand and shook his . i introduced myself and from that moment on, things were a blur . .

some scenes were vague and unclear but i could still remember parts of them . .

i was walking with him down a long and wide white marble stairs like those from the hall of justice in NYC . we were holding hand and he was whispering words that kept me smiling and happy . he was also joking around because he liked it when i laughed at his jokes .

i also remembered a time i was in school and he surprised me there . he came to visit because he couldn't wait to see me that day . he immediately found me in one of the rooms in school chatting with my friends . as he walked in my face lit up and i know that i flashed my biggest smile to him . my friends teased me so much and i know wouldn't hear the end of it . he held my hand again and placed it near his heart saying "i want you to know that i miss each moment that i'm not with you, and my heartbeat proves it" . i totally died with embarrassment but it was the sweetest thing he ever did . .

we passed through people who were staring at us . people who i knew and people who's business is to gossip about other people . i knew at that moment that i couldn't care less what they would think and say because i was happy . i was secured, i was loved by him, nothing and noone could ruin that . .

he never let go of my hand since then . i knew that each moment with was perfect . i9 knew i found him . my one true love, the one i was searching for .

he made everything special . he made me laugh like i never laughed before . i was indeed falling fast, i couldn't help it! . he made my life perfect . i never would want to part from him . spend my eternity for him, only him, thinking, breathing for and loving noone else but him . .

as these moments passed, i felt that i knew him too much and i was ready to begin walking life with him until . . . . .

i woke up! . . . . .

he was a dream i was waiting for . his face couldn't be ever erased from my mind . i knew him, but i just can't be with him again . . .

hook, line and sinker . .

2010-07-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

july 11, 2010
11:36 p.m
room

i have been warned, i couldn't have you .
i have been told, you're tied up .
it has been said, i shouldn't bother .
i fell, yes i did, blame me for this .

i thought i could have you, now i'm so wrong .
i tried to stay away, just couldn't do .
i broke my promise, i know i have .
blame me for this, yes, blame me for this .

i fell for you, i know i shouldn't .
you dazzled me, i gave in .
took a few glances, now i'm caught .
tangled, can't break free, free from this dream .

now i'm suffering, i know i am .
badly hurting inside, so much, so much .
can't seem to move on, which i should have .
i drowned in your eyes, jezz, help me out! . .

- p.s even you can't resist his charming smile and inviting eyes! . damn it! . .

thought that night was my end . .

2009-09-11T03:35:00.000-07:00

around 8:30 p.m . . .

was watchin t.v. when i heard my mom and dad fighting .
i was at my lola's house but i could hear their loud ranting .
i ignored it . just continued to watch "return to Oz" which i haven't seen for a long time .

just as i was about to turn the t.v off, my mom came running.
as she entered the house she was actually crying but from were i stood it looked that no tears feel yet.

i asked here what were they were arguing now . i know they fight, often actually bout petty things .

but today, it really seemed serious .

she immediately sat at the old rocking chair . she didn't answer me .
i just remained silent too .
i just sat there looking at her .

didn't took long till my dad came bursting through the door blabbering bout how stupid she was and accusing her of things i didn't know what . .

he immediately held her face and wanted to punch her at that moment but held back at the sight of us standing up .

i know they argue a lot but he didn't have to punch her or anything .

when my mom wouldn't answer him he went out of the house .
i thought things were over but i guessed wrongly .

HE CAME BURSTING INSIDE THE HOUSE AGAIN CARRYING A "SUNDANG" . .

my brother tried to block him from the door but my dad threw him aside harshly and hit the side table .

i immedaitely blocked my mom from him and held the long blade on my hands . he was tyring to knock me out of the way so that he could pierce her with that thing . i kept on shouting at him not to do so . my brother helped me blocked him but ended up wounded with the same blade at the back of his hand . he ran out of the hpouse in pain .

my mom was still at my back and as i tried to shiled her my dad nearly pierced me with that thing on my abdomen . i threw myself out of the way . i know i couldn't over-power him . my sister also did try to snatch the long blade but was unsuccessful and was just chucked out of the was too .

i saw him advance to my mom's back and cwas shouting at her like crazy . he really lost his mind at that moment i could tell . i knew that when his mad he would destroy things and evern hurt my family . but this was toatally serious! . .

since the windows were open, the neighbors peeped and really saw what was happening inside the house. they even called the peace officers from the barangay but they weren't able to do anything . my dad has freakin lost his mind all he wanted to do was kill my mom right there and then! . .

i ran to the kitchen to comfort my grandmother who was now hiding from everyone beacuse she detest violence . i saw her barely stading and supporting herself at the gas range top in respiratory distress .

i was soo afraid that at the moment, I PRAYED TO GOD THAT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME, I'M READY TO LET GO OF MY LIFE! .

i wisphered to my lola that whatever happens to my family, "BAHALA NA TALAGA" .

i know i was powerless . i know i didn't have anything or could do anything now that my father lost his mind and all he wanted to do was kill my mom! . . .

the incident passed and i didn't know what was happening now at the living room were they were at . my sister feel to her knees and just criend loudly . my mom was struggling to run but he held her closely and the blade was at her neck .

just breaks my heart! . . . .

2009-04-24T16:58:00.000-07:00

april 24, 2009
friday

5:23 a.m
room

i woke up early . yes! . it was the last day of the week, meaning i would be going home to tacloban today, yahooo! . .

i immediately got up and started packing my dirty uniforms and clothes that i wore this week for work . it didn't take me 5 minutes to pack everything . whew! . .

5:43 a.m
room

i was feeling bored now . i just lied there like waiting for time to pass by fast . but time was just slow at that moment and i wondered if it's true that time flies when you're having fun? . hmmm . .

6:00 a.m

i got up again and finally went out of my room to wake Happy, my friend/ex-groupmate/co-worker, up . she asked me to wake her up at that time coz she would still cook for our lunch . hahaha .

i am currently working as a nurse trainee at Kananga, Leyte . indeed it's been fun since i started and i'm enjoying the work paired to it .

public health for me is indeed a big concern and it's never that easy to tend to the needs of thousands . in the municipality were i'm working now, 1 nurse is equivalent to the whole municipality, meaning that there is a 1:50,000 nurse-person ratio in that locale . ouch! . .

7:45 a.m
RHU

arrived at work . i checked my schedule and i was assigned at brgy. tugbong, but since ma'am lily won't be able to come today i would be staying at the main office today, yahooo! . i was feeling joyous coz i would be relaxing now and would just wait for the patients to come to the office for consultation . sadly, my head told me that i would be accompanying ma'am laura to brgy. masarayao! . wahhh! . my plans, ruined! . . .

8:30 a.m
van
brgy masarayao

we're on our way to masarayao . ma'am said we would be weighing children below 5 years old, give out Vit. A to all of them too and at the same time be deworming those children . wahhhh! .

the day started out good . t'was bright and sunny but not yet hot, it was a good day to visit the brgy. . we ventured into the plains and rocky path of Kananga going through rough terrains just to reach our destination Brgy. Masarayao which was situated at the bottom of the mountainous regions of this municipality .

situated on top of the mountains was the Geothermal Plants that supplied the whole Visayas regions and even some parts of Luzon and Mindanao . from were i stood, visible the plants emitted smokes and vapors . what a sight it was .

we started to walk to the neighboring houses and conduct what we were there for . as we approached the houses, i saw that most of them were made up of light materials( wood and coconut materials as roofings and walls) . i got to ask a few why they used these materials and i learned that when it's hot these materials don't absorb heat thus keeps the place cool . .

we brought with us a weighing scale to ease up our work but sadly it was busted . it kept on turning its needle at 10 kg only thus giving us results that most of the children we weighed were only 10 kgs . busted contraption! . good that one of the brgy health worker assigned there had an extra scale but it was a hang-type scale . she said she already weighed most of the children but not entirely coz the children wouldn't want to be weighed coz they were afraid of the scale . they thought that the scale that we will use was like the one's that were also used to weigh pork and other produce in the market thus giving them the impression that their parents were to sell them! . wtf?!!!!!!! . . .

12:05 p.m

we continued our work till noon . it was now scourging HOT! . the umbrellas we had were no match and couldn't repel the heat! . .

1:30p.m

after we ate our lunch, we ventured once again in the blazing sun . we finished half of the brgy and now we only had a few houses left to visit . children would run and hide from us coz they did have the impression that we will sell them coz of the weighing scale . whenever they see people in uniforms, somehow they got to think that we were there to inject something or give them a thorough body check up . kids these days! . . .

3:50 p.m

alas! . we were done . we passed through rows of pineapple farms . climbed small hills . saw narrow streams and tall cliffs that if you ever got close it just gives way . waaahhhhh! . . .

4:00 p.m

the van was already there to bring us back to the RHU . it was indeed fun and i enjoyed the scenes . though of course it was blazing hot there still i enjoyed it . .

when we got near the road we passed by people who worked in the sugarcane fields . they were all wrapped up in clothing that for me it was indeed hot and to wear such would mean additional heat but it also protected them from being burned from the sun .

as we drove a little further, something caught my attention . there were 5 children, literally small children wearing the same clothing and carrying with them these sharp tools used to cut sugar canes too("machite" as they call it) . i was puzzled why they weren't in school (summer class) or at home playing?, and why work when they are indeed so young? . they marched together as if working in the sugarcane fields was a day-to-day part or activity . i was moved by the sight because when i was 6 or 7, my grandparents sent me to school, taught me to read, played with me, never really gave household chores and just let me enjoy my childhood . but these 5 little children marched home satisfactorily like what they did today would indeed please their families. i know that poverty is a major factor in this picture but letting these 5 young children work still isn't a pretty and morally sight . it just breaks my heart seeing them 5 .

i'm indeed thankful that i was able to have a good education, enjoyed my childhood days and now i'm finally a professional hoping to work and help my fellow Filipinos in any way i can.

I am a Registered Nurse and i'm proud of it! . . .

[i wish i had a camera with me to show you the scens and sights of my journey that day .]

couldn't ask for more . .

2009-03-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

feb 25, 2009:
4:25 p.m.
room

a text message from a friend made me anxious. she said that the Nursing Licensure Examination ratings of November 2008 finally were released . okay! . get a hold of yourself . "tomorrow", i said to myself. i need to get it tomorrow early. so i texted my closest friends bout it and arranged to meet up in the afternoon to get the result .

11:50 p.m.

i was anxious again . i know i should be sleeping but my spirit was high . i knew i wont be able to sleep coz i kept on thinking of my board rating . i was thinking of the worst things like: what if i had a low rating?, what if, yeah i did pass the exam but got a rating that just happend to be the passing rate? . what if my expected rating was that high that i wont be able to reach it and be depressed with the result i'll be gettin tomorrow? . WHAT IF? ....

12:47 a.m.

again as i checked the desk clock, i wasn't sleepy . i really was anxious just like the day before my board examination . it was like going through the same anxiety that i had 3 months ago. so i ended up praying . i prayed to GOD that i hope whatever rating i receive tomorrow, it would be enough and still high . i wanted to please my family that's why i wanted to get, if possible,a really high rating ...

feb 26, 2009
1:00 p.m

i was all set . i already informed my friends that i was on my way to Ann's house to fetch her so that we could go together . we knew that if none of us get her, she won't go . so i volunteered coz i was nearer . when i arrived, she wasn't dressed yet, she haven't even bathe yet . she was still busy watching Gossip Girl, "marathon day" . "Typical Annaritz" .

2:30 p.m.

at last we were on our way . our other friends were already there and already got there rating . PRC was packed with nursing passers who were also anxious to get their rating .

it took another 30 minutes for us to accomplish the registration forms and get the rating . when the officer-in-charge of the ratings called my name, i felt nervous . i was really nervous .

i didn't open the folded form until i reached my friends . when i opened it, it read:

RATING PER TEST:

S1: 87
S2: 84
S3: 83
S4: 80
S5: 85

Average: 83.80%

WTF! . . i got a good rating . i know it's not "topnotcher material" but it's still high . i was ranked 23rd overall . whoa! . damn! . i really am proud of myself . all my hardwork paid off . the 5 months review for the exam, reading all possible nursing book that i could get my hand to . sacrificing my sleeping time just to study .

THANK GOD! . . .

[an accomplisment that you worked hard for is indeed satisfying! . .]

a glorious victory! . .

2009-02-20T00:49:00.000-08:00

february 19, 2009
(my birthday and tricia's too)
11:45 p.m
tricia's house

15 minutes more, the results are soon to come out . damn! . it's my birthday too and i'm running late for my get together with my friends . damn it again! . . .

10 minutes more, i was cruisin V&G, trying to get to cafe lucia, my fiends have been there since 3 p.m, oh boy i was really in trouble . i know they prepared something for me but i would like to take this chance to say "i'm really sorry, i know you guys bought a cake for my 22nd birthday, i'm sorry i couldn't come sooner" . when i got there they were all gone . i really felt stupid at that moment . damn it, damn it! . . .

2 minutes more, this time i was able to reach astrodome, mark said they all took off to dome . i felt bad now, i missed their surprise . i'm really sorry for it . . .

february 20, 2009
12:14 a.m
astrodome

14 minutes now has passed and i'm still out . i needed to get hold of a computer at that very moment . i needed to keep watch of the results of my licensure exam. damn it, dam it, damn it . .

20 minutes passed, finally! . a jeep passed by, got in and anxiously waited to get home . it traveled slowly, just my luck! . damn it! . .

45 minutes passed as i looked at my watch . i just got home . i was soo anxious that my stomach started to growl . hungry? . nope, it was more of a diarrhea episode . damn it again! . .

an hour passed . alas! . i should be going now . find myself a cafe to stay online . . .

1:15 a.m
cafe

i instantly logged on, whew! . . tired as i was, i needed to stay up tonight . i needed to watch out for the results . some of my pipz have been online now and been talking bout the results . people were anxious again . i was starting to be anxious again . damn .

an hour passed, still no results . some of them gave up stayin up to wait . . but a few were still up with me . .

2 hours passed, still the site for the result was inevitable stubborn . can't seem to open it . i'm getting desperate . . damn! . .

4 hours passed! . "that's it, i told myself " . i'm really too sleepy now . i wasn't able to get a good nights's rest that day and now i'm suffering . . damn it! . . .

30 minutes passed . i really i gave up . logged out! . went home, off to bed i go . .

just as it turned 8 in the morning, a call woke me up . carl's mom was calling if the results were already out . the night before, she has been calling me almost every 2o minutes asking if it was out yet, sadly my phone gave up . dead batteries! . damn it! . . here's the real reason why i couldn't ask if my friends were still at cafe lucia . damn it! . . .

the day went well . was able to update my resume . got a call from ian askin me to lunch with my friends and i politely obliged . lunch it was! . .

12:50 p.m
sanzibar

job and i were having peppered chops . yumm! .

SUDDENLY: caryl texted . said the results were out . she passed .

damn it! . did i? . did we? .

alas! . the moment couldn't be better . in a small cafe, you'd know that you passed the board exam. with people looking, we just showed how happy we were . . we actually kept shouting inside the place . we called up our families to tell them the good news . .

the news wasn't still sinking into me . i needed to see it myself . damn, where? . good that job's offered her unit . .

it was indeed there . .

10032 CONDES, JOSE ROGELIO SANTIAGO

hey that's me! . .

it was indeed true . .

what i did next was i went to church . lighted some candles for thanksgiving . thanked all the saints for their help and prayers . hahay . . i cried in front of the altar . i know it was awkward but i wasn't ashamed . hey im officially a registered nurse now! . . .

me, a registered nurse . wow! . .

i went home crying . found my lola crying with me as well . all her hardwork had paid off . all my hardwork paid off too . thank GOD! . .

[best part, CRYING! achievement is indeed satisfying after all the hardwork!]

a big change when i turn 22 . .

2009-02-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

it seemed it was only yesterday that i was turning 21 . now, honestly, i'm concerned that at 22, things would definitetly change and i'm afraid . i'm somehow venturing into the UNKNOWN! . i'm afraid, really afraid . .

in a weeks time, i'm flying to manila with a few close friends . uncertain we may be but it's decided . we all are gonna venture into the world of communications, call centers . definitely intriguing in my part though .

i know i wanted to add an experience other than the medical field but things are happening so fast . somehow i'm losing track of my plans . i'm just afraid that me there, it would turn nasty . like i would suffer bigtime . i won't have anybody to turn to, other than my friends who i will be with . i mean a family, my family, who usually rushes to my side and comfort me when i need it . .

friends, indeed are jewels of my life but my family makes me feel secured and cared for . . hay, i'm just really afraid . .

AFRAID! . . .

us, a distant past . .

2009-01-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

breeze flowin from his direction .
across me, he's standing there .
feels much farther from were i am .
distanced, near, yet seems so far .

watchin him from were i stand .
loving him from the sidelines .
hurtin now he's in the hands,
of another, not mine .

stolen glances, quick peeks .
hardly noticeable but it's all i can do .
he's with another, crushes my heart .
LEAVIN: honestly is hard to .

i see him happy, i see him sad .
he's with someone, now all has passed .
i was once his and he was once mine .
i LOST him, now He and ME, a distant past .

[first love indeed is never easily forgotten, damn!]

faced death at 4 . .

2009-01-05T18:20:00.000-08:00

the sea became a part of my life since i could remember . tranquil, enchanting, serene yet ever changing, disastrous at times, still i love the sea .
it became my friend . it gave me joy . it made me smile whenever i saw it . a wonderful feeling, seeing it sparkle when light hits its surface . it's simply mystifying and breathtaking .

we own a lot just smack beside the shoreline . it was inhabited by grass and creeping vines .

my grandfather had this idea of building a beach house and kiosks .

he wanted to build it with his own hands . eventually, he did but with help from his friends . he said it took about a week for the 3 kiosk to put up and another 3 days for the beach house to be built . they were built using only "pawood" and coconut lumber as its material .

i was around 4 when he decided to build these . i remembered it clearly :

he woke me up early that morning because he wanted to start on his project before the sun even rose . well who am i to argue with him . so i got and followed him . we rode on his bike to the beach . since he was driving it, i was seated infront of him, he made me a small wooden seat that would fit me and though it wasn't that comfortable, hey who am i to complain? .

his friends arrived earlier than us . they were living near so they got there ahead of us .

while they were to start on his project, he entrusted me to his friend's son . he was to watch over me for the entire day . he was in his early teens at that time .

the sun was high now and indeed it was hot . i got bored of playing on the sand coz it was now scourging hot! . the water now was mildly cold and good for swimming on a hot day . so i ended up asking persmission from my grandfather since "jimmy", who was watching over me, was gonna accompany me as i swam .

i was enjoying the swim . indeed the water was just right . honestly, at that time i was just wading near the shore for i didin't know how to swim . hahaha . but i did eventually learnd ow when my grandmother taught me after .

i kept on bathing until we were bout to go home . my hands would be prunny but i would continue my so-called swimming . but when "he" (you know wo i mean) says STOP!, oh boy, i would come running out of the water at that very instant . i knew what the consequence if i didn't , a good, hard and painful disciplining .

jimmy now was watching me, that was what i was thinking . i was now battling the gigantic(from my point of view) waves . withstanding its strong force even though i was only to stay on waist deep part, if possibly near the shore . (was it really fun?, yeah right!)

things suddenly changed:
i didn't really remember how things got out of hand . it all happend so fast that i didn't see it even happen . i was tumbling with the wave and rolling with it . i was indeed drowning! . . .

i was drinking too much salt water . i could see nothing but the water and hear the sound of waves breaking in the shore . my eyes stung from the salt water . i didn't really know what to do, thought i was a goner .

next thing i knew, an arm grabbed my shirt and hoisted me up . i was free . i was breathing air again . salt water was compromising the air .

the stranger who rescued me carried me to shore . he laid me gently on the sand . i wans't able to recognize who he was . the sun blinded me and the salt water still kept stunging my eyes .

only wen he spoke did i knew who saved me, my grandfather .

"letcheng bata ka!" he uttered angrily .
"nalulumos ka na!" he continued .

"hain ba hi jimmy?, hiya't nagbabantay kan jojo" . his tone now was angrier .

i saw others crowding and surrounding me now . when jimmy came, he started to shout at him . i knew that he kept on uttering painful and foul things at him . i didn't understood some of it coz he said it in Ilonggo . i felt sorry for jimmy . i knew how it feels to be shouted at by him .

when i was able to stand up, he brought me inside one of the kiosk . he gave me a piece of candy and said it would help calm me down . i was crying soo hard . i was both afraid and nervous that he might punish me for what had happend .

when my grandmother arrived, i ran to her and hugged her . i knew that wit her i'm safe and it was now okey for me to stop crying . she assured me that im safe now, i know i was .

since then, i only went swimming with someone who i truly trust, my grandmother . . .

[jimmy, my watcher, died in his early 20's because he was stabbed and bled to death, may he rest in peace. ]

bitter breakup! . .

2008-12-29T05:01:00.000-08:00

november 13, 2008, thursday, "a vile and loathsome day"

around 2 in the afternoon, i had nothing to do . eventually, i ventured out of the house wandered a little and it came to me: i needed to update my blog . yeah!, i really needed to! . .

so, i went back inside and grabed up my phone, found some small change and headed to the nearest cafe which was about 3 blocks away from were i live . .

earlier, i kept on wondering since i woke up about my hubz! . dunno why but he kept popping inside my thoughts every now and then . so i ended up sending him a message that same morning 'bout 10 . just greeted and said i miss him much . duh! .

i really did miss him . haven't' seen him for 5 days now and haven't heard from him either . .

when noon came i was still waiting for him to respond . no text in 2 hours, i was getting desperate coz he still hadn't replied, were he would text me every time i sent him a message . it was really odd . just pretty odd! . .

1 pm came, still no reply, i was very desperate! . so i ended up calling him but he wasn't answering . i tried again, still he wasn't picking up, why? . i tried once more, sadly he didn't answer my call . why? why? WHY? . . .

i ran out of things to do and eventually ended up venturing outside of the house . this is really were the bitter ending took place! . .

as i said earlier, it was about 2 in the afternoon . had nothing to do, so i thought of updating my blog which i eventually did .

things were going fine . i made some comments for my friends . emailed my aunt's in Australia . updated all my accounts in friendster, facebook, multiply . i even played some online games before things started to become _______! . . .

a text message came, i was busy chatting with some friends so i disregerded it for a moment . when i finished replying to everyone i opened the text message: it was from HIM!!!

it was 3 in the afternoon now .

i was delighted when i saw his name popped out but when i stated reading what he sent my heart sank! . i knew that i was staring into that text message . i reread it again, maybe i just read it wrongly but it didn't . i knew i read it right, painful and shocking at the same time .

"i want to end this . im breaking up with you!"

that was the content of his text message .

i just stared at his message for a while . trying to digest what he meant by it .

was he fooling me? . was he kidding around like he use to? . did i read it right? . was he serious with it?. and the big ending question: WHY? . . . . .

why? . why did he want to break up with me now? . did i do something wrong that maybe offended him in some way? . what did i do wrong? .

soo many questions just kept popping inside my head again . to answer them i know i needed to talk with him first . i needed to talk with him NOW! .

i finished everything fast . said my goodbye's to my chatmates . closed all applications that i opened and paid the rent . .

i had no load on my smart acccount so i had it loaded on my way home .

i didn't know what to ask him first . i wanted to ask him why?, how come? questions in just one message but chose to ask the basic question:

"why?" i asked .

"i just want to end things up with us" he replied .

"how come? " i asked again .

"i don't know" he said .

"i can't understand why you want to break up with me for no reason at all, why?"

"i don't know, i guess i just want things to be over between us, don't ask me why anymore!"

"i can't accept that! . i need to know why! . are you mad at me? . did i offend you in any way?" i asked .

"no i'm not mad . you didn't do anything that offended me either . just don't ask why anymore cause i won't answer you" he answered back .

"why won't you answer me?" i did ask .

"basta!" exactly what he answered .

he didn't answer back when i asked him another question .

i know it was unacceptable . it was indeed! .

he broke up with me for no reason at all or for not telling me why! .

i wanted to cry but i can't . beaking up through a text message i soo unacceptable . i think i would have accepted it if he said it to me personally . i think i would . .

it has bin a month, maybe longer and i still see him . i know where he works and i often see him there . he sees me too . but i just can't forgive him for what he did and all . i just can't yet .

they said im being bitter and i accept that . but my reason is soo clear why i am at the moment . i hope i'll get over this soon, really soon . . .

[the date and time somehow show its very unlucky] .

what a horrible feeling . . .

2008-12-03T22:04:00.001-08:00

i salute all NLE passers . i guess now they can now breath freely, knowing that they just surpassed one major stress in their lives .

but for me, oh GOD . im so down and just unable to think properly ayt now . im so scared with how the results would be . i admit the exam was not for the embicile or subnormal people to take yet t'was just sooo damn HARD! .

i know i was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety on that night, night before the exams . i tried watchin "the nanny diaries" to calm myself down. well, sad to say it ddnt help so i tried busyin myslf wit sumthin agen, yah ryt! . didnt help either! . i was just soo anxious at that time . i cudn't do anytin else . so i settled in, wanted to sleep early, yah ryt! . i just kept turnin in my bed . i know it was hopless to sleep . sooo many things were ruuning insyd my head. askin myself soo many questions . was i ready? . did i prepare for it? . am i that stupid to take it now? . did i pray for help? . those were just a few of the questions .

sumhow, i checked the time, almost twelve, i needed to sleep! . i needed to shut my mind and just let things fall into place . but i cudn't . 20 mins passed and i was still turnin in bed . hahay . i kept sayin to myself dat things wud be fine . things would turn out great . u prepared for this, took u 5 months to prepare . u prayed hard . asked for help from the Father . i know i cud do it . sadly, i just cudn't sleep and i know why .

well, after 2 hours and hundred of questions inside my head popping, alas i fell asleep .

i woke up earlier than expected . i felt nauseous . i wanted to vomit at dat moment . i know i was very anxious agen and nothing would make me calm . not even the pat on the back by my granny helped . i kept on wondering was i realy for this? .

carl was picking me up that moring . i was to ride with him to the testing center . by 6 am, i know i was ready . wat i needed to do was just sit there and wait for my ride to come . 5 mins passed, still no carl to pick me up . 10 mins passed still nothing . i was anxious agen, i needed to do sumtin to calm myslf and distract my thoughts, i needed to go out! . since my ride was obviously not coming yet, i took my things, sadi my goodbyes and just ventured out that quiet road, trailing the street to where carl lives .

eventually, after a pray-over done by the family of carl to us, we drove off to the center, on the way we met up my cousin who was also to take the exam . now i know i was ready .

entering that school meant i should be ready for anything . what ever it was, i know i must conquer it . answer everything correctly and heartily . yah ryt! . .

i visited the room a day before so i got the chance to feel the room . sense the room . was it conducive? . was it a good place to take an exam, NOPE! . surely wasn't but hey i cant complain .. oh wel, i let it passed . .

alas, 8 am came and i know i need to focus on the exam .

nursing practice 1: it was okey . some items were tricky and i think i did well on it . i finished it earlier than expected . i went out and was happy to how i did on it ...

i went down to meet up with my batch and found most of my teachers there and with food! . hahaha . they were there supporting us . banners were spread outside the buliding . indeed it helped alot in boosting our confidence . .

nursing practice 2: oh shit! . i was expecting it would be that easy coz i read 2 PHN buks! . damn, not even a single PHN question came out! . COPAR, COPAR, COPAR! . . i never got the chance to review on that! . 30+ questions came out and i guess i answerd it from what i experienced from our community exposure! . . i know i came out of dat room sulking! . it was indeed hard and by the time i finished, twas already 1 pm and i needed to eat . i was starving! . .

nursing practice 3: i wanted to die at that very moment! . i knew, i ddnt prepared for the topics dat came out on it . i wanted to cry at that very moment . i know i was a hopeless case just after that exam . i nver really expected to encouter those questions coz sumhow the past exams were easier from ours . really much easier and i did great on it . how was i to pass that exam if i didn't know wat the answers were though choices were given and i just needed to cho0se the best 1 .

after that test that afternoon, i saw the expressions of my batch . i knew they too were not expecting to encouter those things and indeed had difficulty in answerin . because every after exam, all would congregate out of the testing area and would talk bout the exam, but sumhow after that 3rd exam nobody bothered to talk bout it . each 1 i just went out of the testing center, said their goodbyes and just left, sad and puzzled, like what i was feeling .

i went home awfly tired and in dismay . i was thinking that the 5 months of reviewing didn't even helped me with test's 2 and 3 . it just didnt . and sumhow i needed to read sumtibg that night . wen i aryved, i told them the bad news and just ate and slept . i know i was down . i was really down and no happy feeling was inside me at that time . even if i wanted to go out with my family, it wud just be nothing .

next day:

i woke up early as usual . took my breakfast, changed and ventured out agen . the feeling of sadness and dismay was still aparent . now i was not anxious but uncertain . i know i was . i ddnt know if i will b able to answer the coming exams . i just didnt know ..

nursing practice4: well, now i can say i liked it . twas just okey and it helped regain my confidence back and i knew other's too .

nursing practice 5: it was fun! . i remembered my lecturer during our review, mrs mejico of UP college of nursing . i enjoyed the exam . .

after all of it, now i can say that im really and is in need of SUICIDE PRECAUTION! .

summer with people i'd be growin up with! .

2008-11-21T17:01:00.000-08:00

my childhood seemed to pass quickly. i never really got the chance to make much memories. growing up in two places seemed wacky!. how would one establish peer relationship when one seemed to be moving homes each season when your grandfather wants it to be? will you argue even if you're just a 3 year old wanting to play with your neighborhood friends? tell me, is it even possible?

i guess, NO!. try having a strict and controlling grandfather who would direct every action and with the rules and all.

yeah, it was great flying to fairview every summer, christmas and all but somehow i never wanted to be there. i was contented with having my childhood friends around and spending time with my cousins. yeah, trips to the mall and sight seeing and spending time with my other cousins were fine too but still i wanted to complian yeet i never couldn't!. i'm thankful i had those trips but i wanted my summer spent with the people i know i would be growing up with! whenever we get together and starts to retell every childhood memories of summer, i would just sit there silent, fakingly smiling, as if i know what had happend. i hate that! hmpf!

inceptive memory . . .

2008-11-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

boredom sank in and i had nothing to do. somehow i started arranging the things on the table in front of me . indeed it looked like it had not been emptied nor touched for quite some time. pens, extra papers, notes just lied there as if used ages ago. i placed all the books in their shelves together with all mys school stuff which now stood there because it had been 4 months since my graduation. i needed to stack my enormous photocopies of lectures and handouts since i started to have major subjects alone. seeing them there scattered made me wonder how much did i spend for all of these. i placed them all inside clear plastic envelopes and filed it by dates when i had them used. now the table indeed looked tidier and cleaner.

as i was rummaging the left stuff on the table, i stumbled upon an old photograph with writings on its back. it was addressed to my grandmother and me. i flipped it and found a picture of my mother. she looked young. she wore this pink shirt with a parrot on its front and seem to be standing inside a computer room. i remembered that she studied computer science at southwestern university. with what i saw, i somehow remembered that she left me when i was still little in my grandparents possession.

i diverted my thoughts into finishing my so called cleaning of the table. it took me about 3 hours to finish everything. alas, now the table look spruced and uncluttered. the other things that didn't fit into the filer were voluminous, so i needed to take them upstairs to my mother's old room for now it's used as a stock room for things which aren't used. as i entered it, the room was chaotic also. bits of pieces of paper were spread on the floor. my old books were too on the floor. i placed the things i brought into the cabinet . as i was done tidying the place, i forgot to close the cabinet door. so i went back again, as i did i saw an old poster on the cabinet door. it was a poster of my moms fave singing group, the "menudo". and somehow i realized again what was her life when she was my age?.

i was sweaty and thirsty after all those packing and filing and stacking of my old things so i decided to go down for a drink. i walked out into the hallway and found myself thinking of the times when i used to sleep upstairs with my grandparents.

i was about to climb down and found myself standing on the 12th step of our stairs, the same step where when i was between 3 or 4 waiting for someone to get me.

i remembered perfectly that night. i woke up and found myself alone in bed in my grandparents room upstairs. i quickly got up and out of bed because i was afraid, it was dark. i was the only one upstairs. i went out the door immediately but saw that my way was blocked by 3 wooden horizontal bars nailed to the walls so that a toddler, such as myself wouldn't wander off into the stairs and fall. i was really afraid, i was alone. i called out to my grandmother but i heard no answer. i called out again, none came. i shouted louder but none came. i was more afraid now, i was thinking i was abandoned by them. i was desperate, so climbed out of the thing that hindered me. i was free but i know i should just wait for someone to get me. so i waited. i don't know how long it took but i know i had been. i waited on the top step of the stairs. light from below was the only source and i heard people downstairs talking. i just sat there until someone saw me sitting on top of that staircase. my grandmother passed by the stairs and saw me. she called out not move from that spot and that she will come up to get me down. she cuddled me up and brought me down.

i was carried into the dining room where i found them all eating supper, i guess it was round dinner time when i woke up. i was hungry too. i asked for food but my grandmother told me that night that my feeding bottle was lost. she said i would be starting to use a cup from now on. i obliged to it, i was so hungry and still scared from waking up and finding yourself alone in bed.

"oppression, emancipation, total freedom"

2008-09-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

“In the future days, which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression - everywhere in the world. The second is freedom from of every person to worship God in his own way - everywhere on the world. The third is freedom from want… the fourth is freedom from fear!” …
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Speech, January 6, 1941

Freedom was the thing I thought i could never get to attain when I was young. I was bound to rules I never understood. Rules that were implemented to hold me down. Be a prisoner from all things by my own family. Tragic as it was, I couldn’t complain. If I did, I would again receive painful and inappropriate discipline and punishments. I was used to dissident forms of physical disciplines and abuses that whenever I got it, I would just beguile each blow of that 2x2 piece of wood or that 3 inched metal buckle belt of my grandfather. I couldn’t complain. I was indeed a lifer of my own grandfather since my birth.

Since birth, I was left in my grandparent possession. My mom was young. At 17, she got pregnant with me. My father who was my mom’s childhood boyfriend who lived 2 blocks away. My grandfather however was furious upon hearing the news. At that time, he was on board a shipping vessel in Russia; he was the first engineer of the ship. When his contract expired he straightaway came home. By then, my mom was 3 months pregnant with me. Upon arriving home, (my mom told me) he physically abused her. She told me everything he did to her. She couldn’t fight back. My grandmother protected her from the ponderous blows of my grandfather. Obscene and disrespectful words were uttered by him. Because of his anger my grandmother decided to keep my mom far away as possible from him. So she (grandmother) hid her. She took her to Sogod, Southern Leyte. There we had relatives and was indeed a good place to hide her. My mom lived comfortably away from the heavy hands of my grandfather. For 6 months she withstood the agony of being away from my grandparents but it was for the best. Alas! At 8 in the evening of February 19, a 6.8 lbs healthy boy was born. And at that moment my life would commence but never did it occur to me that it would be oppression.

I lived with my grandparents since I left that hospital after my birth. I was left in their possession for my mother was indeed young and she needs to start her college education far away as possible from home. She hid grudges for my grandfather. She couldn’t forgive what he did to her. Sadly, I was left in their care from that time on. My grandmother was mostly the only one who really took care of me. My grandfather needed to go back to his work. He was the only person who was working in the family. My mom was in college in Cebu. He needed to send money for her tuition, her expenses in school and her daily needs. The business my grandparents which was apartment rental couldn’t suffice all the expenses at home, with me and all others. We were thriving only from the rents and financial help from my grandmother’s nieces and nephews because my grandfather needed to send money to my mom. My grandmother was retired. She was a teacher back then.

I am an Ilonggo. My grandfather was the Illonggo in the family. My grandmother was a Waray. I never learned to speak it though. I can only observe and hear my grandfather conversing with his fellow Illonggo’s whenever I could get a chance. I grew up in Tacloban so I ended up speaking “Waray” instead.

My life was good whenever my grandfather was away. I had freedom. There were no restraints. No rules that hindered me from doing the things I like and wanted. I was really free. But things would turn when he was home, thus, I was shackled to his rubric and arduous rules.

I remembered it clearly. I was 3 or 4 then, I was sleeping upstairs in my grandparent’s room. He woke me up. I stirred and found him intoxicated. He pulled me up and demanded to get out of bed. I followed him down the stairs. As I landed on that last step, he started shouting at me for no reason at all and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. He pulled me closer and slapped me in the face. I started to cry, but he shouted even louder than he did before. My grandmother entered the room hastily. She also started shouting at him, asking what he was doing to me and he was drunk. At that same time she was shouting at him, he punched her in the arm and said to stand aside. I was so frightened; I didn’t understand why he just started abusing both of us. He pulled out his 3 inched metal belt buckle and begun hitting me with it. I howled in pain. He continued hitting me in different parts of my body. Marks appeared on my legs, arms and trunk. He didn’t stop. My grandmother immediately pulled me and wrapped herself around me, shielding her body to protect me from the painful blows. What happened next was fast. Since he couldn’t hit me he attacked us both. He kept on hitting us. Bruises appeared in her skin too. She never released me, until he stopped. She kept protecting from his beating, shielding from the agonizing blows and defending from the assaults of my grandfather. Bruises were evident. Though the beating stopped but the cursing didn’t. He was drunk and it was difficult to control him when he’s intoxicated.

It happened again in different occasions whenever he was drunk. He would come home drunk and drowsy but angry and violent. No one could control him because it was only the 3 of us home. I suffered so much beating from him alone. His methods of disciplining or punishing me became too gruesome for kids like me but I had to endure the pain. He used to lock me up for a day in the room below (the bodega) was broken and old stuff was stashed. Or he would lock me up inside the old cabinet for a day without food. He also used the method of letting me kneel into scattered rock salt on the floor for hours, sometimes it was green beans seeds (monggo) or rice. I was also hanged inside a rice sack from a tree outside. The worst was indeed that night were he brutally beaten me with his belt together with my grandmother.

The physical abusing continued till I was 7. By that time he got ill. He consulted different doctors asking for second opinion regarding his condition. He was an alcoholic and an active smoker. He started to loose weight, was unable to eat and had changes in bladder and bowel movements. He manifested melena and abdominal pain. After tests, he was diagnosed for colorectal cancer. He started to deteriorate physically. He was bedridden for a year. He was now suffering the pains of his condition. My grandmother, despite of all the things he did to her cared for him everyday. Things changed at those days. My mom came back together with my father and other siblings. We were continuing to serve and care for him. We all accepted the fact that anytime now he could just expire. Then it happened, June20, between 3 and 4 in the morning, we lost him.

That day, it occurred to me that there will never be beating again. The threats, the discipline, the gruesome punishments, the persecution and oppression finally ended. I was free from the torments and fear of my strict and abusive grandfather. All those things would never again happen. I, we were finally free!.

Now I'm 21, I still don't know why he did those things to us. Why was he abusive? Why was he cruel to me, to us? Somehow, i infered that the reason why he did all those, he veered his dudgeon, pique, ire for my mom to me. i know it's so unfair. I know he loved us but what he did, I will forgive but I could never forget!....

i fall, hurt, i bleed...

2008-08-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

i know that each one bleed..

i know that all of us fall..

i know that we get hurt...

i know!...

but y do i kip on feeling such?...

i told myself that it wud be stupid to belive,

dat i wont feel such things, agen..

yet, agen, i was wrong...

realy, stupidly wrong...

how cud sumone so nice,

turn out so differnt?...

jezzz, so stupid of me..

i've bin telin myself dat, rily...

i allowd myself to follow wat others want,

i nver complaind, and u wont hear me...

i respected it, i pushd and lied to myself,

coz i dont want to hurt others...

yet, y do dey hurt me?...

how did i just kept quiet wen all dis came up?...

did i even see it coming?...

answering these questions, bearably too dificult?...

stupid, stupid me...

afraid to loose u?, yeah!..

but understand wat i feel,

u do things over and over...

its too complicated, but please b real...

sana'y kayang maghintay...

2008-08-31T22:22:00.000-07:00

sana'y pagbigyan ng tadhana na muling makita ka,
sana'y dalhin ng hangin itong aking panalangin,
sana'y umabot sa iyo itong kanta ko,
dahil ako'y nangungulila sa iyo...
'di baleng di mgkatotoo ang lahat ng hingin,
basta't ika'y makita, makita muli,
makasama, makatabi, makapiling,
yan lang ang hinihingi nitong pusong akin...
pagkat ikaw ang tanging nasa isip,
'di kayang bitawan ang pangakong akin,
na makita ka muli siyang aking panalangin,
sana'y pakinggan, aking puso'y dinggin...
mahirap man pero kayang tiisin,
malayo man pero kaynag lakarin,
maghintay, yan ang sandyang magagawa natin,
sana'y pakinggan itong aking panalangin...